We are all given just one chance to live and we try to use it as much as possible, and life seems so long in the beginning… When I was a child, adults above 30 seemed old, now I think that life only starts after 30 and only now I have learnt to live truly and differently than I did the first 30 years of my life.
Four years ago in a beautiful and sunny May my family doctor referred me to the oncologist and said: “I hope it is nothing bad, but you should have it checked…” Before that I had never heard of melanoma, I did not know that birthmarks can be “bad”. Before the appointment with the oncologist I had researched internet looking for answers what melanoma is and why I have a referral to the oncologist. I lived in fear for two weeks. I was lucky because I did not have to wait for the consultation for months. After the appointment, the oncologist referred me to a surgery, however, it was not yet clear, whether the birthmark was malignant or benign. I had surgery in the end of May. My leg hurt terribly because the birthmark had to be removed as deep as possible, reaching the bone membrane. Now, I have big scar on the leg.
Waiting after the surgery was even more agonising. I had to call after two weeks to know about the test results. I called and there was a silence on the other end and then: “You should come to the hospital to get the test results.” I already knew it was not good. It was true, I was diagnosed stage I melanoma. I was going home and cried. It was difficult to share these news with people, I told only three people, my little brother, my friend and my husband. To the others I said the results were good. I was ashamed I had cancer.
I was crying from morning to evening, as I though I was dying soon. I was afraid about my children and who you take care of them. I was praying God to give me time to raise my children. I was depressed all summer long waiting for my last breath. At some point, however, I pulled myself together and understood that I was not dying. My hair were not falling out, I did not have any radiation therapy, I was going through virotherapy session, and my test results improved every month, metastases did not appear anywhere.
I cheered up and felt that I was not yet needed up there, I had to accomplish something important here, on the earth. I started perceiving things and places differently and I started living differently, with a sense of purpose, rather than with the attitude that I can skip it today as I still have tomorrow… I do not know when I will not have tomorrow.
After the virotherapy session my daughter was born, although doctors were concerned about it. I took a risk and they allowed me to take it. In autumn, she will be already 3. Before the diagnosis I was raising my two children alone, but now I got married. Now, we have a house on a river bank. Cancer made me start doing things I like. I have opened a store for cute things for babies; I have a line of clothes and accessories “With Latvia in our hearts”. Going to work is a pleasure, I do what I like and I see my children growing.
I do not ask for things I cannot have or things that others have. I am looking for peace and comfort in my heart. Those are the things cancer taught me: to perceive life differently, more intensively and efficiently. Before I was yelling and asking “why”, why me, I am young, I have children, why those who steal, kill, snort, and drink do not experience anything, but I do? Now, I can thank for this twist because it made me start living differently, the way I like and enjoy my life. I hope that God will allow me to stay here for a while and allow me to achieve things I want. I hope that our views with God are similar as to this question.